Monthly Archives: August 2016

29 turns around this sun and I still have no idea what I’m doing.

So I had a birthday a few days ago.  I really don’t like my birthday.  I have usually been in some sort of depressive episode or just coming out of one for the past 7 or 8 years.  And truth be told, I didn’t do much on my actual birth day in 1987.  If I had to choose a day to celebrate my life it would be 08 July of each year.  Or maybe a few days after when I actually remember being conscious after my O.D. in 2011.

But I digress.  This year I reluctantly let my amazing roommate plan a surprise trip.  She told me ahead of time that she “owned me for the morning and afternoon.”  It surely made me smile but I won’t lie, I was a little bit worried.

I worked 3pm to midnight on the tenth so when I got home, it was already technically my birthday.  I walked into the apartment to her and her boyfriend singing happy birthday and this was in my room:

She was spot on with the presents she got me:


But that was just round one.  I was promptly told to go to bed because I had to wake up at 8am (not a regular occurrence in my life…. by any means.)

So when I did wake up, there was a hot coffee and warm pastries/barakas waiting for me.  After enjoying a nice breakfast together, Nicky told me to get ready and to wear long pants and closed shoes.  Then the three of us (Shem, Nicky’s bf had spent the night) drove off into the morning light.

We went out of the city on the south side.  I hadn’t remembered taking that route before because I’m usually on a bus that leaves from the north side.  It was interesting to see just how close we live to Palestine.  But within about 30 minutes, I checked google maps and saw we had reentered the Israeli side of the green line.

We ended up just south of Jerusalem at a horse ranch.  It was Nicky and Shem’s first time riding and my first time in probably 4 years.2809855825497573767-account_id=1

It is really not that stimulating, horseback riding on guided tours.  But there is still something nice to just be out there enjoying nature on horseback.  Since I had ridden before, I was the last of the four of us (the guide was with us for the whole ride).  I got lost in my head for a bit, not even thinking just kind of gone and enjoying being gone.

After the hour long ride, Nicky and I went to Waffle Factory (not even close to Waffle House) and had amazing sandwiches and sweet sweet sweet waffle confections.

So that was that.  29th birthday was pretty good.

As for a life checkup:  As you can see from the last picture, I’ve put on a bunch of weight after moving to J’lem.  It probably doesn’t help that I don’t feel inspired at my job and am reminded that I am fat every. single. time. my boss sees me.  But, staying true to summer traditions, I got hit hard with the depression this year.  Stupid stupid things happening in the US that I can’t deal with mentally lead to a big decision to cut out the family.  That, coupled with the job unsatisfaction (is that a word?  probably not), and the constant state of red in my bank account lead to binge eating all the wrong things and presto pesto pasta, I’m super fat again.

But I’m trying to get a hold of things again.  Cutting out the negative things in my life that I can’t control was a start.  Now I’m running every other day.  And I’m trying to get to a shrink to get back on the happy pills.  That, ladies and gents, is no small task here in Israel.  Getting to a regular doctor, just call up.  Getting to a dentist, ok no worries.  Getting to a shrink however has proven to be a 2 week process so far and I still haven’t been able to get through to someone to make an appointment.  Granted, I’ve been working nights and missed many days worth of chances to call but still… this particular industry is not so great with English-speaking immigrants.

And there is another thing.  I’m in a funk of not wanting to be an immigrant anymore.  I figured I would know at least the major parts of being an “other” in society growing up gay, being Jewish in the South.  But it is different here.  Sometimes, I just can’t stand having to pantomime what I’m trying to say in my basic Hebrew.  And that look I get when I talk about my work experience far beyond what I’m doing now.  From current bosses, always with a twinge of pity and a smidge of smugness or the awkward interviews for jobs when I realize it isn’t a management position/the interview realizes I’m not taking the same shit pay and starting over at a new place.

Side note, I have two cold-to-luke-warm leads on Reception Manager positions.  I’m hoping for the best but expecting to still be here at Mount Zion in 6 months.

Anyway, I think that is enough for now.


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